I wake up and I realize I'm 20. I wake up and I realize it's another day. I wake up and I realize that in my 20 years of existence I haven't done anything. I'm a healthy girl that goes to college, doesn't work and has everything she can ask for, I have a wonderful life. But what about my spiritual life? I sing, I play, I write. What have I done with that? Wrote and shared some songs, but that's it. Waking up and realizing you haven't done nearly as much as you're suppose to in 20 years depresses me. Every year I say things will change, but every year it stays the same. Knowing I could do more if I tried harder, knowing that I can offer more, but I'm stuck in a comfort zone.
As I open my eyes flashbacks of my past "accomplishments" hit me, my baptism in water, my quince, my high school graduation, my national fine arts competition, they all now seem like nothing. I was once so proud of those things, but now they are nothing but dead grass. I close my eyes again and visions wander around and I'm delighted with things that would actually make me proud now, but then I stop myself and think. "When I wake up tomorrow being 30 I'll say the same thing, it's not enough".
As I was daydreaming I came to a conclusion that for God it's never enough because we can always do more. Our relationship with God will gave an endless growth if we allow it. Today I'm 20 and tomorrow I'm going to be 30, yesterday i was 10 but God never faded throughout the years. I go back when I was 15 when life seemed perfect, when my family was together, when everything was nice and pink, oohh yes God was with me. I go back to when I was 18 when we lost our home, when my siblings left out of state, oohh God was with me. God abides in our prosperity seasons and our poverty seasons, He was my provider in my days of need. He was my shelter in my days of loneliness.
I open my eyes with a new perspective, with new eyes that let me see why I'm here. I thank God for giving me 20 years. Happy years. Sad years. But all His years. Life is not perfect but even in my weakest moments I want to serve Him. And maybe now I feel like I haven't done anything He knows my heart, and it will give me the impulse of moving forward. I know I won't ever be satisfied, because there's always more and more ways to serve the Lord. I'm ready for a change in me, a change that can only be done by Him. I don't want to open my eyes tomorrow and discover that I'm in the same spiritual position. 20 years I've lived. I've made good decisions and so many bad ones, but they all brought me to this day, they have brought me closer to my Creator. Many scars are left on my heart, most by my own choice, but they have taught me how to grow. Crucial events have passed but I'm still standing firmly in Him.
I lift my voice to a prayer from my heart and prepare myself for more upcoming years that I want to exclusively dedicate to my God.
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